I am culturally a Westerner this time around, born and raised in the US. Our culture, and it's secular humanist, or nonsecular humanist values that typically hold sway and underpin the UN Declaration of Human Rights, and the US Constitution, as well as many of our own lives and personal values is based on the belief that human life has intrinsic worth, that we each have dignity that inheres in each of our being human.

However, the insight of the emptiness of all phenomena struck me, and in that moment I realized that if I am not a self, or there is no self, although there is a human organism, a living human becoming-into-being, that is "me," and that if this is true for all beings, then all are similarly empty of essence. 

So, how can there be intrinsic value to something which does not actually exist, except in an impermanent, temporary, provisional, momentary sense?  Without a self to which to attribute intrinsic value, or inherent human dignity, how can such a concept's validity hold? It appears to lose it's validity from a view of emptiness-impermanence. What does this mean for human rights, and a democratic society?

Here's my answer:
Just as the self is (if it is to be viewed as having any sort of existence whatsoever) a temporarily occurring natural phenomenon of nature and psyche, so also is the intrinsic worth sentient beings attribute to themselves and to other beings (deep ecology extends intrinsic worth to nonhuman beings, and entities such as Gaia- the living Earth) similarly valid in, and only in an impermanent, inter-subjectivist/Integral Holistic view of reality.

Therefore, human rights still exist and matter, because we decide that they do. We decide that they do because the respecting and upholding of such rights protects and supports the happiness and welfare of all beings, human and nonhuman.  This in turn supports beings in their wandering in cyclic existence where we all search to overcome pain and suffering and seek pleasure and peace.  Each of these concepts is totally empty of essence, a mere mental construction, a wilful fabrication, but this does not make them useless or invalid. Nor does emptiness endorse totalitarian, violent or repressive regimes. It should just be seen that these are empty.

I invite your comments, arguments, otherwise.

Andrew Utman, 31 December 2008 11:47 pm. Gaia Community Scholarship Application.

1)      What is your purpose? (25 words or less.) If you had to describe your calling in life, what would you say? What are you here to do? What gift is yours to give to the world?

May I creatively re-organize the human-nature relationship into harmonious balance, and stand as a worthy example of awareness and compassionate action.

2)      What do you love, and how do (or will) your actions demonstrate this? (250 words or less.) We at Gaia believe that following your heart is the best way to help the whole planet. What do you care about, and what do you most enjoy doing?

 

I love justice for humans and nonhumans as equal co-creators of Gaia. I love the moment when suddenly everyone in my team has full confidence in themselves and our work, and throw all of ourselves into what we’re doing to accomplish our goals.  I love the moment when, once everyone has come to agreement, and we start acting to follow through, we reach that point of flow, where everything seems to happening effortlessly and with ease.  When political, economic and social leaders realize we can ensure the welfare of all alongside gain, and agree to act in accordance with what will allow for everyone’s welfare to be assured, I feel relieved.  When I can listen to a homeless family tell me how happy they are to have a decent home again, or for the first time, I feel joyed for them and peace in my own heart.  When I watch a polluter pay for the clean-up of their mess and their voluntary re-structuring of their enterprise to be sustainable, I feel relieved, and at peace. These things I intend to accomplish through working as a planner, and so I seek my Master’s in Urban and Regional Planning.

 

3)       Write your ideal job description. (250 words or less.) Forget about job titles like 'doctor' or 'artist' or 'lawyer.' If you could get paid just to live, how would you spend your time? What would you devote your life to? What would your days be like?

 

I invite people of means, and people with needs to meet together and listen to each other talk about what they have and what they need, what they want and what is possible.  I hold the space as a facilitator and host, leading some conversations, while mostly listening to the participants in the program aimed at restoring the psychological and material cohesion of any community.  I leading the participants through exercises meant to expand and deepen their sense of empathy, perspective, awareness, possibility and creative power.  We are magicians in dissolving the interfering boundaries of personal isolation behind ego.  We bring the people along through the process of discovery our deep interconnectedness and interbeing, leading to insight into a sense of deep, collective responsibility accompanied with the willingness to give up personal excuses to radically give what others need. That is what I would be doing.  My days would be full of meditation, Integral Life practice, personal and group coaching, time spent with beloveds,  in nature.  We would be bringing out the best in nature, culture, individual and collective human potential everyday. It would blow our own minds every single day with what people are capable of being, doing, having, and giving.  And all our clients would see this too.

I just finished reading a great book, called the Nine Faces of Christ, by Eugene Whitworth. It is a story told from the first person by the character Jeschuau Joseph-bar-Joseph, who's life story very closely resembles that of Jesus, the Christ, only that this is the anthropological record-based history, told in dramatic, novel-form. My friend Beth at the Lama Foundation recomended it to me; I found it one of the best books I've ever read, and especially about true spirituality, and Christianity too.

I think we're all familiar with the various similar forms of the traditionally-versions of the story of the life and teachings of Jesus, however, how much do we know or could we infer about who he was as a man, as a mortal, human man? Mr. Whitworth explores this subject in a compelling fashion in this presentation wherein the reader can imagine what it would felt like to live through what this True Initiate learned and endured in his epic quest for total union with the Divine. But, enough with the book report; you should go read it for yourself! And hopefully, that will only be the beginning of this truly inspiring tale.

I wanted to write about how reading this book is shifting my own thinking through reflection on my own life, values, priorities, goals, and intentions, because it has certainly inspired such an assessment on my part.

I think two things at the moment seem most relevant. One is how right and possible it is to act in a way that is both utterly selfless and simultaneously also pursue what one wants.  I don't know about you all out there in Gaia-world, but I've often felt the dichotomous conflict of those two, instead of their harmonious, complementary union.  To see Jesus, who is really what the story is about without saying so in so many words, lead a life both so intensely spiritual, disciplined and selfless, and yet also be so entirely human and also selfish in natural ways, is really refreshing.

I can't help but feel relaxed about giving up on trying so hard to make things how I want them to be, from releasing my attachment to affecting the change, or making the difference I want to see done.  Partaking of that story has given me, at this stage of reflection, a feeling of blessed acceptance of my neither needing to be one who affects great, or even significant changes in other lives, nor of the actual ability to do everything I expect myself to do. While that might sound a bit odd, or even sad and defeatist, I assure you, the effect is quite the opposite.

For any of you who have lived inside mental worlds conditioned by huge performance pressure, and the compulsion to meet some very high expectation in our lives' works', set either by others, or even more difficulty I think, by ourselves, this acceptance has unique value. It is a growing experience for me in these last months.  It is part of a trend of dawning of not embracing my humanity and its limitations as being essentially liberating.  That sounds kind of paradoxical, and maybe it is, but it is also very real.  The pressure to achieve greatness can be strangulatingly influential, and so persistent and pervasive, that it can grow its own tentacles of anxiety.  Feeling overwhelmed and unworthy can be all-too-common, though I can only speak for myself.

And yet, so many choices are available to us in that circumstance. The mainstream culture offers us numerous choices to capitulate to our base desires and animal-human natures, effectively deciding the problem by giving up on it, or declaring it unwinnable, or irrelevant. Thankfully, most if not everyone in this community has overcome that hurdle, and stand as shining examples of personally meaningful lives of service and joy to others, that they too may rekindle their soul fires.  And yet, that is only the beginning too.

The next choice can come about in how we deal with the shocking worthlessness, meaninglessness, emptiness and impotence that pervades a culture full of wasted energy, things, the Earth, wasted souls and dreams. What do we offer those who've forgotten how to imagine something worth living for beyond what we no longer see value in? Again, this question seems easily answered by the lives, works, and examples of thousands of people, living and dead. Find your own meaning; create your own happiness; follow your own bliss.

But then, what is that, and how do you know it?  Here, we diverge yet again, into so many different directional possibilities. Some people have always known, since they were children, and were fortunate enough never to forget, or to easily remember. Many others of us can wander for seemingly indefinite periods searching for the precious knowledge of our true purposes.  Anyone familiar with the Animas Valley Institute, work with wilderness Vision Quests, or similar Hero-Quest myths is assuredly understanding of this wandering time that can come upon any who's deep curiousity takes them away from the Oasis of the home culture. I'm still borrowing here, on other people's, wise, and possibly widely-known ideas. See the work of Bill Plotkin, Joseph Campbell and others.

I guess for me, another piece of onion has peeled off and floated away, especially as I sit up in the very early morning, alone, the pets asleep as strong winds rip rain down upon the house.  What I mean is it is a little easier to step outside of the fray and let go of another, extraneous piece, long obsolete, now allowed to pass into oblivion. That piece would again be the felt-need expressed above. This world is all of ours, and while I still feel bound and privileged and find and give my best, what I do or do not do, does not sink or save us, and if it did, that would be too much for anyone to bear. 

Instead of that, and instead of the obvious opposite- resignation and total surrender, leading either to despair, and capitulation, another possibility must exist.  Could there not be something that we each find so beautiful, so sublime, we would each willingly jump at the chance to give our lives to it? If there could be such a thing for each of us, how would we come to know it?

Whitworth tells us Jeschuau always knew he wanted to be a healer, and then a teacher, and then a True Initiate.  Plotkin tells us that through encounters with our souls we come to assemble an image and intuit the image's meaning for our lives, including our unique gifts and ways we can embody them.  Campbell insists we must each descend into our own ego-deaths before we can be reborn into our truest selves, and bring back the boon of special treasures for our community's. 

(This article/blog continues in the Friends Only access level.)

I don't know who's poem this is or where it came from, but I found it on the floor of the Gompa, a ceremonial meeting space here at Tara Mandala, and I liked it, so I've decided to post it. Maybe it will prove timely for you?

Rhymes and Reasons

So you speak to me of sadness and the coming of the winter,
The fear that is within you now seems to never end,
and the dreams that have escaped you and the hope that you've forgotten,
and you tell me that you need me now and you want to be my friend,
and you wonder where we're going, where's the rhyme and where's the reason?
And it's you cannot accept: it is here we must begin to seek the wisdom of the children
and the graceful way of flowers in the wind.
For the children and the flowers are my sisters and brothers,
their laughter and their loveliness would clear a cloudy day.
Like the music of the mountains and the colors of the rainbow,
they're a promise of the future and a blessing for today.

Though the cities start to crumble and the towers fall around us,
the sun is slowly fading and it's colder than the sea.
It is written: From the desert to the mountains they shall lead us,
by the hand and by the heart, they will comfort you and me.
In their innocence and trusting they will teach us to be free.
For the children and the flowers are my sisters and my brothers,
their laughter and their loveliness would clear a cloudy day.
And the song that I am singing is a prayer to non-believers,
come and stand beside us, we can find a better way.

-unknown

"Going in ..."

First, become aware of where you are and what you are doing.

Are you sitting, walking, laying down, asleep, dreaming, awake, dreaming-awake?
What is the state of mind: thoughts, feelings, concerns, goals, things you are remembering, pursuing?
What is the state of your body? Active, at rest? relaxed? at ease? or some other state?

Please take a moment to say yes to all of it. Then cease whatever you are doing.

Then focus your attention on an object, to a single point.
Relax everything, body, speech, mind.

Close your eyes and transport yourself to a vast, empty expanse, an ocean, maybe of water, of grass, sand, rock, or whatever you like. Stand in the midst of the vastness, everywhere you look it is there. Even where you stand, it is there, empty of existing.

Within this vastness, there is also perfection. You experience no lack of anything, no desire of anything. You have finished everything and all activities are complete. There is nothing left to do or be. Breath into that created reality. It is yours, now, and whenever.

This perfection is abundant. The vastness of the space is not empty of any experience; there flows a quality of total abundance, of bliss. Beyond euphoria, there is bliss. This abundance informs you of there being no need to act, to acquire, hold, retain or gain anything.

"Bridging..."

Now, remember that you exist, and who you are. You are someone. You have a name, and various ways of identification as an existent being. What are they? Do you have a job? a title, status, position, or occupation? Do you have a family, or various sorts of relationships and responsibilities? Briefly remember these, while staying aware of the vast space you inhabit.

Now, select a particular experience that challenges you. Maybe you have a deadline you're anxious about, or a relationship that is in a tough spot. Maybe you made a mistake and hurt someone, or someone made a mistake and hurt you. Or maybe there's something you're aware of is out of balance, but you don't want to think about it, or deal with it. Hold whatever that is in your attention, keeping your awareness pervaded by the vast space you inhabit, and that inhabits you.

Notice the apparent separation of the new object of your attention from the environment you're inhabiting in this visualization.  Feel the fullness of whatever you decided to focus on, while abiding in the awareness of the emptiness.  Do this until you feel like you "see" whatever you've contemplated for all that it is.

Now, holding the object in its fullness in your awarenes, intentionally shift your attention back to the emptiness. Breath into, and let it fill your experiential reality, your consciousness, while still holding the thought, feeling or situation you thought of in your awareness. Allow the vastness to pervade everything- the entire space, your body, and finally, to fully pervade your thought, or feeling also.  For a moment, experience not being yourself, and instead being the total vast emptiness.

Experience the totality of the vast, empty space, simultaneous with your awareness of it, simultaneous with the presence of the thing you decided to focus on a moment ago.  Being aware now that this emptiness is everything, and within you, and your thought, recognize that you, the vast ocean, and your thought exist also within this, as a sort of shimmering reflection of the totality.  Ssee that those thins are also filled by the space, that is everything.

"Realizing..."

Shift your observant attention to your vast space. Did you choose a desert? an ocean? a grassland? Briefly recognize and acknowledge the space you inhabit in this reality. Take a deep breath and thank it for its gift to you, for holding everything you bring to it with unconditional loving abundance. Take a moment for that.

Then peering out into your vastness, see the land and sky as separate. Then remember that the vast emptiness pervades each the Heavens and the Earth and that they are one in that vast emptiness. Observe them dissolve into a unity of space.

Now, within being aware of the vastness pervading all things, notice that your mind observing this situation is also included in that. Turning your awareness on to including also the observer of this reality, notice that it is also empty in character, or nature.

Realizing this, abide in the total emptiness. It is perfect. It is complete. It is alive and pulsing with all possibility, because all the energy of all beings, and all situations, circumstances, and events, all phenomena are here within and a part of the emptiness.  The vast space seems to exist independent of all these and pervades everything. Yet even the space itself is also empty in nature.  Abide in this fullness, which is totally empty and vast in quality, as well as luminous, and abundantly blissful. This could be called, the Truth.

"Returning..."

From this state of abiding in pure awareness, empty, luminous, super-abundant, recognize this as the base for all else, the singularity on which all else arises. This means you restore the observer consciousness, who makes the above observation. 

Still resting in this state, recall the being with the name you have called your own. Remember who that is, and re-identify as that person. Recall the vast space you were in, the land or water and the sky. Remember the situation you were in before you went into this vast inner psychescape. 

Generate a wish that everyone can remember what you have been able to reach today. Let that wish go out to everyone you know, and imagine it going out to everyone. Feel that wish as a wish for the happiness and peace. 

Take a deep breath, and smile wide, unihibitedly, bringing the joy of the freedom you know into heart and through your smile. Open your eyes. Take another deep breath. Look around you. Notice your physical situation. Notice your mental and emotional states. Observe and take account of any changes that may have occurred.

Take a moment to appreciate what you have been able to do. If you can, verbalize your appreciation.

Take a moment to remember your wish for the happiness of others. Verbalize that if you can. You might use the Metta practice formula, another formula, or one of your own making, so long as it carries the authentic expression of the wish for others to benefit from this practice.

Now you can take a moment to thank whomever has shared this practice with you and all the beings who have ensured that this practice could come to you.

Finally, you can express a desire to always and only act in accordance with what will cause happiness and peace for all beings.

Congratulations. You're finished. Get up and go back to whatever you are going to do next!

Right, so transformation occurs when I accept that whatever it is that I wish to change is here, and acknowledge its presence without aversion (with "one taste" so to speak...).  When I feel dissociation coming on, I shall endeavor to be mindfully present with it, and neither succumb to it fully (ie. mindlessly, or unconsciously), or to reject it, fight it, try to change it immediatly, or otherwise, be averse to it.

Then, something can shift. I see two levels of practice around noticing and being mindful of dissocation: one is metta and self-acceptance, and the other is the shadow work, shadow dance level. Really, the first is an integral part of the second.

This morning, during Prajnaparamita practice, I was able to hold looking at things, without either tripping out into a single-pointedness-incurred trance state, or totally identifying with thoughts, sensations, and so on, even as I fell asleep a few times and woke up and kept going. It was a radically different experience of mixing space and awareness in meditation. I believe I have a lot to learn from that practice, as I get better and better prepared to do it without distractions.

Something that came out of that practice was the awarness that I was doing an old, familiar thing with dissocation. I was treating it like any other obstacle in my life: something to be conquered, subdued, or destroyed.  Unfortunately, this hyper-masculine approach does not always work as well as one might hope, and I have found myself pounding my head into the problem, and expecting it to move, and then being surprised when its doesn't.  As I saw myself doing this, I realized how foolish that was, and that I was going to have to do something different.

So, when that doesn't work, and it very much does not work, I have to surrender to the fact of the phenomena, accept its presence, look at it, and dialogue with it, rather than just try to negate, blow over, or neutralize it as "unwanted other."  What kind of dialogue do I hold with dissociation?

Essentially, it is the next layer of Loyal Soldier work. Dissocation is the target affect of a variety of strategies my LS developed and employed to protect me from emotional harm, and destruction, including my own suicide. Ultimately, the LS launched intense dissociation through mental efforts (meditative, denial, repression and intellectualization) to accomplish dissociation powerful enough to save me from drowning in repeated and overwhelming grief.  So, when I dialogue with dissociation, I might ask, what are you protecting me from? Why are you here? or what purpose do you serve? or what are you offering, or teaching me here?

My ability to mindfully notice, hold without falling into or rejecting dissociative mind-states, and then hold loving, accepting, open, listening dialogues with them (really with the LS), will determine my ability to transform, put to rest, open up, and otherwise liberate dissociative psychic, mental and emotional phenomena, and the experiences they were deployed to protect me from feeling.  This is another layer of shadow practice to add to my existing practice, and deepen it into the next level.

The ideal opportunities for me to engage this level of practice are in my personal problem-solving thinking, my sexuality, my intimate life, my meditation practices, and physical exercise. These contexts are the ones where I most frequently encounter places of being dead, shut-down and dissociated. Whenever I encounter one of them, I can engage in this practice.

At first, it will be a little awkward, and I will be challenged to practice the form correctly. Then, I will hone the method, and get in the habit of the practice. After a while, the practice will become automatic, and second-nature. When this happens, the practice will be integrated fully into my way of being, and simply occur as a matter of course; I will have to do it.  Finally, the content to be processed through this method will exhaust itself and the process can be laid to rest.

That is what I foresee for embracing and transforming dissociation!

I have come to see that in the difference between what is it like to live at Lama as opposed to in the outside world, I have imported my habits and coping mechanisms from out there here, and have renewed my practice of them to recharge. However, some of these habits are maladaptive and counterproductive really, either just frustrating at worst or quasi-satisfying time wastes at best. It occurs to me that the way I would actually like to live is quite different than the ways I have gotten by.

So, I am out here at Lama, in some sense, on the edge of our society, and I am still a bit confused about what to do with Lama and myself here. I have an urge to be off in the wilderness, and coming to Lama Mountain is in a sense an expression of that. However, I have gotten really lax, and have fallen back into some old habits. That is ok. I go there briefly, and then I get to remember why I don't want to do that anymore, and get to remember what I would really rather be doing.

My time "on the mountain" literally and metaphorically, also called "in the cave" is very important to my sanity, happiness and fulfillment. I like acting in the world in so many ways, and eventually, I have to come home, and rest, naturally.  Being on the mountain is a sort of extension of that impulse, to rest, regroup, and recharge at home, or in the cave, so to speak.  What I tend to do is to spend a lot of time alone, thinking, reflecting, writing, reading, playing, enjoying pleasurable things with family, or even more pointedly, alone, and often in nature. The essence of being on the mountain is to take solitary time to be studying, pondering, meditating, walking, exploring, venturing deep, wondering, enjoying, watching, observing, communing. 

Another important supportive piece and also end in itself is being at home, with my family and close beloveds.  This time is so precious and important. We nourish each other, create together, celebrate, laugh, play and enjoy the simple things of life together. This is so important to my happiness, and I love being the host who can welcome and share with others this rich space between familiars, in the enclosed, private space of the home, away from the rest of the world. It is our haven together.

Lama is much closer to home than most places I have known, and it does not fully offer what I need and want from home, because of the nature of shared, public space, and having to work to host retreats and keep community projects moving forward. Those things properly belong to the community of village and neighborhood, and not to the home and family per se. 

So, I have found myself striving to create a home and family space within the larger community space, and it has been naturally fairly easy, however, not complete, because the container does not seem to support the fullness of privacy and independence that I want for being at home, or being on the mountain either.  At least, the summer stewardship container seems challenging for me to find both. However, for the persistent, focused, dedicated and nonattached, it does seem possible. So Lama does challenge me to be the most I can of those qualities in order to find what I need here.

I have come into a time where I feel like I have gotten the most and the best I can from the community here at Lama as a steward this summer, both in the way of it being my home, and in the way of my being a summer steward who gies seva. I could go, or stay and settle in yet further into an even more individually attuned way of being here. I think I will probably go.  However, whether I stay or go, I want to be clear about how I am going to create things, for I want things to go in a generally shifted direction regardless.

I need to be more on the mountain, whether it is here or at Tara Mandala. That means time and behavior disciplined meditation practice and study time, balanced with seva obligations taken seriously.  It must all be taken seriously, but with a light touch, so it is still enjoyable.  I don't want to just sit around and surf the net for unecessary information, consume unecessary and benign info at best or harmful and toxic at worst, or take excessive time escaping into a game.  Instead, I'm going to be more intentional about how I spend my time, and doing what I more truly want to do.

Much of the reason I came to Lama and would go to TMRC is to be with a practice sangha, where my practice and studies can be amplified, inspired, and reinforced through conversation about practice and ideas, and through doing these activities together in a focused and intentional way. I will of course have to work to see that I do that effectively enough for myself within the expectations that I be working for the community, whether that be in the gardens, the kitchen or elsewhere.  I expect the clearer expectations and more limited scope of work types, more serious practice sessions, and practicing the BuddhaDharma exclusively will all aid in my getting focused and productive in my Dharma studies and practice.

The other thing for me is that I need to be clear about what I am out here for: is it just to be at home? or is it to be on the mountain? The answer is clear now. I want to be out here to be on the mountain. I have a lot of reading I have been putting off, both to enjoy, and that is core to deepening and supporting my practice and knowledge of the Dharma. For these longer periods of several weeks (I have been at Lama seven weeks, and would be at TMRC for 6 weeks), I have to find some way to bring in the ease and relaxation of being at home to the focus and intent of being on the mountain. So, I will need to integrate having fun and destressing into my regimen.

Another thing that comes up is that I have two very distinct ways to be on the mountain. One is solitary, wandering, exploring, in the wilderness, far out of the world and on my own, without direction, and often without other people. This way is the unstructured, one with the flow of Tao way that is a very advanced way to practice, requiring much preparation and training. I step into it every once in a while to stay in touch with that core reality of being human on Earth.

The other way of being on the mountain for me is really like being in school, or in retreat, where I am working, studying, socializing a little, practicing and following a schedule in a focused study setting such as a university, or monastery.  Really, this way is sometimes like being on the mountain, and sometimes not, depending on how far removed the context is from ordinary social life. 

When I move to a city and work there, I will be back in the world, and when I attend graduate school again , I will still be very much in the world. Being at Lama or TMRC is very different. It is not quite fully out there in the wilderness, nor is it fully in the world either. It is on the edge. These places ride the boundary of wilderness and society, nature and culture, and so are ideally suited to absorb the best of each, and balance the two.  Part of my vision for the city and region of the future, is that a lot of people be aware and welcoming of that particular balance point, and that we bring it to life in cities, the places most in need of being tempered by nature in its wild state.

So, what sorts of activities belong and do not belong in such a setting as the edge of culture in nature?  Whereas when I am fully on the mountain, I take few or no books, little or no music, little or no food, few things, and seek to clear my mind, heart and body of all impurities, so I can fully experience the magic and power of nature unfettered, I have to prepare consciously before I do such things. Ceremony is an important preparation. Wrapping up my worldly affairs is critical. Having primed my knowledge, viewpoints, understanding and depth of practice, and self-discipline are all essential preparations for the full on wilderness wandering time.  Clarifying intent and having well-honed spiritual and soulcraft tools to work with out ther is also essential.

The preparations for the being one with heaven and earth are the things that belong in the between-space, on the edge of the world. To intentionally peal back the layers, and release them is the process. The attitude is of surrender, renunciation, and it should happen gradually, with ease and in slow time.  As it unfolds, I can show up more and more for what I came here to do. While I would not bring a library of books or music into the mountains, I would bring them to the place where I would be able to spend the time with them I need to, and that place is Lama, or TMRC, or another similar place. The taking in of the inspirations and teachings, practices and sangha of seekers is what retreat centers, and intentional spiritual communities are for to me.

So I must let go of what is not necessary and embrace what is naturally appropriate.  Reading, studying, sleeping enough, working some and simply, forgetting gain, and working for free, out of karm yog, that is the point. However, for me, there is a tension to balance the dynamic of going in and out of the world, so as to better inhabit the in-between-space.  I am both a man of the world and of nature, as truly we are all offered to be.  The challenge arises in when and how to be in the world, and when and how to return to the source of life and culture to commune with the soul and Spirit, and re-vision this life and culture. I dance with how to play both well in one life, and know that I am forever in motion back toward the world when I am outside it, and forever in motion back out in the wilderness when I am in the world.

Too often we give away our personal power to others. We give others the power to make us happy, to satisfy us, to make things feel safe, or nurture us, or validate us. I feel like this is a terrible thing because it leads to so much dissatisfaction, dissappointment, blame, resentment, feelings of loss, betrayal, anger, hate, mistrust and so many other terrible things. How can another person be responsible for our own happiness? That is too important a thing to give away to someone else.

When there is something that is very important to you in your life, why give away the hope of getting to someone else, when you can take it up for yourself, and see to it that it is done as you need it done. It is really the only way you get what you want in the ways that you want. This does not mean one should be taking from others' their power, or taking from others what one wants, without their having given it. It means more that we should be saying yes to our needs and desires, after having examined whether they are appropriate, and nonharming, and having come to relate to them in a nonattached way, where even their very fulfillment is not a precondition of our happiness. To the extent that we can do that in preparation, we are empowered to find for ourselves the sources of our happiness.

Now, of course, this is all within in a dukkhic context. To invest particular objects, people and experiences with the expectation that having them will bring us happiness is a certain risk, based in delusion and ignorance of our true nature. A certain paradox arises as to how to continue to live in the world and pursue fulfilling our desires while practicing the Dharma of ultimate liberation at the same time. They appear as contradictory goals. It appears that to the extent that one can let go of having to pursue happiness through intransitory phenomena and can instead embrace emptiness as the source of liberation and happiness, one is able to more effectively liberate oneself from samsara.

However, I wish to acknowledge that I am not a perfect bodhisattva, yet, at least, and may I be someday in some future life, and so, there are only so many things that I can put aside for so long before I have to say yes, this is important too, and see that my own needs are met. My basic sanity as a human being is ultimately in service of the goal. The Buddha recognized the Middle Way meant you should eat food, and that even lay practitioners could lead householder lives, be married, raise families, have sex and hold public professions while simultaneously working toward self-liberation for the sake of all beings.

This is definitely my path, and I must embrace it. Too long have I denied, pushed aside, or made to wait certain needs that once again, press intently out from within to be satisfied. I will not say they are wrong. I am saying yes to them and their satisfaction. May I soon find those who feel the same.

So, what is a more balanced way of exercising personal power? It might be to...

Be aware of what one needs
Examine its merit
Discern its purpose and its ethical aspects
Decide to ask for it, and ask for what one wants
Visualize it, and believe in being in the receiving of it
Act in a way that receiving of it comes naturally
Watch for the arrival of the circumstances of reception
Accept and work with things as they arrive, welcoming them
Enjoy having what one asked for arrive
Reflect on the process
Regather energy
Repeat

The only other thing I could think of writing about is how to deal with obstacles. Obstacles arise, and confusion is one. Loss of faith is another. Failure to follow through with each step is another. Failure to get clear about what one wants in another. Pitfalls are everywhere, and one must very proactively encounter and overcome each one. That is all I want to say about that now. This is all probably obvious to those who have thought about it. I draw from the teachings regarding the Law of Attraction. Please correct me, or add on as you see fit.

All people want to love and be loved, and this is a goal I share with many other Zaadzsters I know as well. However much we want this, many of us (and include myself) have not known what to do to find it. Many of us have the wisdom and strength to practice various methods for being in the love that is each of ours to always dwell in, or to connect with loving energy in some other way.

Being single, and committed to loving and being loved, I believe even when there is only ourselves to practice on, we have an opportunity to love and be loved. I want to offer the community this description of metta (loving-kindess) practice that I learned as a way to generate a positively charged intention for all beings to be happy.

For those unfamiliar with the possibility of healthy self-love, is it more like the extension of self-respect, into self-appreciation, and further into seeing lovable beauty and humanity in oneself.  This requires holding oneself in unconditional positive regard. A way to generate that energy is through metta practice.

The metta practice I know goes like this:

Starting with the mind stable, relaxed, grounded, focused, visualize yourself as a baby, or a small child.

Then, you can say the following (or whatever version that is in the spirit of this):

May I be happy
(say while smiling and feeling affection for yourself)

May I always be happy!
(smile wider and deepen self-directed affection with the visualization)

May I be liberated from suffering and the causes of suffering
(or substitute with your own spiritual traditions basic goals)

May I never be separated from the happiness which is free from sorrow

May I rest in equanimity free from attachment and aversion

May I always be happy!
(feeling the affection warm the heart and merge the self with the visualized self)

This can be repeated three or more times for increased effect, for practice to learn the sequence or to integrate the words, visualization and feeling more completely.

The following are stages to replace the image of oneself as the circle of identity widens outward (all optional, so choose which serve you best)

my pets, family, my friends, my coworkers, housemates, students, clients, neighbors, boss, my neighborhood, city, region, the non humans, the forests, ocean, desert or mountains, eventually, encompassing all beings.

Next stage metta: Generating loving-kindness toward perceived enemies

Take GW, if you happen to have a problem with him still (many I have known have, or once did), or anyone you dislike, who dislikes you, or anyone you feel anything negative toward. Use that person (or objects') image as your metta focus object, and generate metta around that person. This will probably require several times to go over it, since you're going to be working on closing the gap between how you feel about that person at the start of your practice, and the target feeling of holding them in complete, unconditional, positive regard, or metta.

Another way to more quickly generate metta for your perceived enemy (just the term I'm using loosely), is to generate karuna (compassion) for that person. You could try imagining the person in some sort of helpless, distressing situation, and see their face in anguish, and allow yourself to feel natural empathy toward them.

This can jump-start the metta generation and allow you to more quickly generate a field of loving kindness that includes all beings.  Then you can imagine yourself stepping into the situation to provide critical help for which your visualized person is grateful.  This kind of mental role-playing can dissolve negativities very quickly.

I find that this metta practice makes an excellent compliment to a calm-abiding practice (samatha), as a concluding piece, spoken aloud when possible (if practicing alone, or together with others), and can be as brief as a minute or two, or as long as you want. Between five and ten minutes seems very effective in generating metta.  Experienced practitioners, texts, and metta groups practice in various locales worldwide, see dharmanet.org.

Animas Valley Institute

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Animas Valley Institute helps people become more fully human through programs that motivates one to uncover the mysteries of their soul, deepen and broaden their intimacy with the wild earth and live everyday grounded in both soul and nature.

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