Posted on Jul 21st, 2008
by
Andrew
I have come to see that in the difference between what is it like to live at Lama as opposed to in the outside world, I have imported my habits and coping mechanisms from out there here, and have renewed my practice of them to recharge. However, some of these habits are maladaptive and counterproductive really, either just frustrating at worst or quasi-satisfying time wastes at best. It occurs to me that the way I would actually like to live is quite different than the ways I have gotten by.
So, I am out here at Lama, in some sense, on the edge of our society, and I am still a bit confused about what to do with Lama and myself here. I have an urge to be off in the wilderness, and coming to Lama Mountain is in a sense an expression of that. However, I have gotten really lax, and have fallen back into some old habits. That is ok. I go there briefly, and then I get to remember why I don't want to do that anymore, and get to remember what I would really rather be doing.
My time "on the mountain" literally and metaphorically, also called "in the cave" is very important to my sanity, happiness and fulfillment. I like acting in the world in so many ways, and eventually, I have to come home, and rest, naturally. Being on the mountain is a sort of extension of that impulse, to rest, regroup, and recharge at home, or in the cave, so to speak. What I tend to do is to spend a lot of time alone, thinking, reflecting, writing, reading, playing, enjoying pleasurable things with family, or even more pointedly, alone, and often in nature. The essence of being on the mountain is to take solitary time to be studying, pondering, meditating, walking, exploring, venturing deep, wondering, enjoying, watching, observing, communing.
Another important supportive piece and also end in itself is being at home, with my family and close beloveds. This time is so precious and important. We nourish each other, create together, celebrate, laugh, play and enjoy the simple things of life together. This is so important to my happiness, and I love being the host who can welcome and share with others this rich space between familiars, in the enclosed, private space of the home, away from the rest of the world. It is our haven together.
Lama is much closer to home than most places I have known, and it does not fully offer what I need and want from home, because of the nature of shared, public space, and having to work to host retreats and keep community projects moving forward. Those things properly belong to the community of village and neighborhood, and not to the home and family per se.
So, I have found myself striving to create a home and family space within the larger community space, and it has been naturally fairly easy, however, not complete, because the container does not seem to support the fullness of privacy and independence that I want for being at home, or being on the mountain either. At least, the summer stewardship container seems challenging for me to find both. However, for the persistent, focused, dedicated and nonattached, it does seem possible. So Lama does challenge me to be the most I can of those qualities in order to find what I need here.
I have come into a time where I feel like I have gotten the most and the best I can from the community here at Lama as a steward this summer, both in the way of it being my home, and in the way of my being a summer steward who gies seva. I could go, or stay and settle in yet further into an even more individually attuned way of being here. I think I will probably go. However, whether I stay or go, I want to be clear about how I am going to create things, for I want things to go in a generally shifted direction regardless.
I need to be more on the mountain, whether it is here or at Tara Mandala. That means time and behavior disciplined meditation practice and study time, balanced with seva obligations taken seriously. It must all be taken seriously, but with a light touch, so it is still enjoyable. I don't want to just sit around and surf the net for unecessary information, consume unecessary and benign info at best or harmful and toxic at worst, or take excessive time escaping into a game. Instead, I'm going to be more intentional about how I spend my time, and doing what I more truly want to do.
Much of the reason I came to Lama and would go to TMRC is to be with a practice sangha, where my practice and studies can be amplified, inspired, and reinforced through conversation about practice and ideas, and through doing these activities together in a focused and intentional way. I will of course have to work to see that I do that effectively enough for myself within the expectations that I be working for the community, whether that be in the gardens, the kitchen or elsewhere. I expect the clearer expectations and more limited scope of work types, more serious practice sessions, and practicing the BuddhaDharma exclusively will all aid in my getting focused and productive in my Dharma studies and practice.
The other thing for me is that I need to be clear about what I am out here for: is it just to be at home? or is it to be on the mountain? The answer is clear now. I want to be out here to be on the mountain. I have a lot of reading I have been putting off, both to enjoy, and that is core to deepening and supporting my practice and knowledge of the Dharma. For these longer periods of several weeks (I have been at Lama seven weeks, and would be at TMRC for 6 weeks), I have to find some way to bring in the ease and relaxation of being at home to the focus and intent of being on the mountain. So, I will need to integrate having fun and destressing into my regimen.
Another thing that comes up is that I have two very distinct ways to be on the mountain. One is solitary, wandering, exploring, in the wilderness, far out of the world and on my own, without direction, and often without other people. This way is the unstructured, one with the flow of Tao way that is a very advanced way to practice, requiring much preparation and training. I step into it every once in a while to stay in touch with that core reality of being human on Earth.
The other way of being on the mountain for me is really like being in school, or in retreat, where I am working, studying, socializing a little, practicing and following a schedule in a focused study setting such as a university, or monastery. Really, this way is sometimes like being on the mountain, and sometimes not, depending on how far removed the context is from ordinary social life.
When I move to a city and work there, I will be back in the world, and when I attend graduate school again , I will still be very much in the world. Being at Lama or TMRC is very different. It is not quite fully out there in the wilderness, nor is it fully in the world either. It is on the edge. These places ride the boundary of wilderness and society, nature and culture, and so are ideally suited to absorb the best of each, and balance the two. Part of my vision for the city and region of the future, is that a lot of people be aware and welcoming of that particular balance point, and that we bring it to life in cities, the places most in need of being tempered by nature in its wild state.
So, what sorts of activities belong and do not belong in such a setting as the edge of culture in nature? Whereas when I am fully on the mountain, I take few or no books, little or no music, little or no food, few things, and seek to clear my mind, heart and body of all impurities, so I can fully experience the magic and power of nature unfettered, I have to prepare consciously before I do such things. Ceremony is an important preparation. Wrapping up my worldly affairs is critical. Having primed my knowledge, viewpoints, understanding and depth of practice, and self-discipline are all essential preparations for the full on wilderness wandering time. Clarifying intent and having well-honed spiritual and soulcraft tools to work with out ther is also essential.
The preparations for the being one with heaven and earth are the things that belong in the between-space, on the edge of the world. To intentionally peal back the layers, and release them is the process. The attitude is of surrender, renunciation, and it should happen gradually, with ease and in slow time. As it unfolds, I can show up more and more for what I came here to do. While I would not bring a library of books or music into the mountains, I would bring them to the place where I would be able to spend the time with them I need to, and that place is Lama, or TMRC, or another similar place. The taking in of the inspirations and teachings, practices and sangha of seekers is what retreat centers, and intentional spiritual communities are for to me.
So I must let go of what is not necessary and embrace what is naturally appropriate. Reading, studying, sleeping enough, working some and simply, forgetting gain, and working for free, out of karm yog, that is the point. However, for me, there is a tension to balance the dynamic of going in and out of the world, so as to better inhabit the in-between-space. I am both a man of the world and of nature, as truly we are all offered to be. The challenge arises in when and how to be in the world, and when and how to return to the source of life and culture to commune with the soul and Spirit, and re-vision this life and culture. I dance with how to play both well in one life, and know that I am forever in motion back toward the world when I am outside it, and forever in motion back out in the wilderness when I am in the world.
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